Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
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