i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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