I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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