Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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