I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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