Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!

(774): View more from Massachusetts

Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.

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(407): View more from Florida

official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.

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(330): View more from Ohio

theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.

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(507): View more from Minnesota

I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.

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(415): View more from California

Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.

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(406): View more from Montana

Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.

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(804): View more from Virginia

I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book

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