I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
