he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
