I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
My vagina just recognized that song.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
