My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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