I think I died a long time ago.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
