dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
