I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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