aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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