The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
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