i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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