Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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