my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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