Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
I'm at about main and main street
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
