I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
