I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Randomize
