He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
