the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
