I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Randomize
