I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Randomize
