My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
You're like the curious george of whores
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Randomize
