I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
