Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize
