I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
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