I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
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