We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
