am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
