She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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