Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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