Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Michael Bay diarrhea
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Randomize
