I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Randomize
