So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Randomize
