you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
