I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Randomize
