I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
tonight lets celebrate not being married
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
