I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
I did not marry a roomba.
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