So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize
