Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Boobs are out for the taking
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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