Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Randomize
