i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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