What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Randomize
