remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
