That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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