Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
