I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
