Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
