i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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